Invisible!

#1: The Invisible You

Now I'm talking about you. Yes, you're the one invisible before you came. I did not even know you. But then you came along and tried to get closer and know me more. Before the time brought you to me to see, I had never seen you. Yes, you're invisible because I was looking at someone else and was focus only on him no matter what's going on. You just came like a candle in the dark, like a moon in the night. In the previous, you're just the light on the bright and the star in the day, invisible. All I saw was him, and never been you. Eventually, you came around and tried to be seen. You brought the dark so that I could see your light. You brought the night so I could see your silver shine. It was never easy, though, but you've never given up even until this day, the day I wrote this post, the day you read this post. Am I wrong? Tell me if I was wrong, correct me.

You're the invisible one. It's gonna take a super long time for me to see you. Even it's almost two years, I could still barely to look at you that clear. It is often blurry for me. But, as you did, I don't want give up this soon. Day by day I try to convince myself and heart that it is possible to fall in love with you. At once or twice or thrice, I really felt that kind of feeling and was totally sure about what I feel. But then, it disappears. What a shame. But to think of losing you, of separating from you, or of not connected to you makes me desperate. Is that what they call love? 

All this time, for the very first time I knew you, I always think and treat you as my best friend. More and more, as my brother. It is so hard to place you as my lover, as what is happening. Should I do an apologize for this? Well, sorry. The core that I can tell you is when I'm around you, I feel like sheltered and warm. Is that what they call love?

I know, I'm never bored to write this kind of stuff. It is just because I want you to know my progress in process to love you. As the same question you always ask, slowly I'll let you find the answer by yourself by this writing because I could not always give you any direct or quick answer because me myself don't even know the answer surely yet. I hope you'll understand (again) this time.

For me, you're just still a little bit more invisible. Let us let the time to do its job. If you're my destiny, we'll see the ending that I will be able to see you clearly as you are, not be within the shadow of anyone else.

#2: The Invisible Love

Everybody knows that love is invisible. It only can be felt. I also know it, so you do, right? But here I talk about the real invisibility of love. I feel it, but I could barely 'see' it. You know, people sometimes feel like they could 'see' it, but I don't at all. Do you? Whether it is shown by action of giving something or treating well on someone. I see those kind of thing, but I do not 'see' the love along with those. Let me simplify this route of writing... I mean, love is really invisible, at least now for me.

I know we both know that you often do many simple sweet things for me, or give me some unpredictable (and sometimes predictable) simple sweet stuffs. In some moments, I could feel the feeling that you tried to show or deliver by those gifts. Unluckily, I often felt like flat when you did those. I know that I should apologize you for this. But, trust me, I felt happy and I do. I feel that your feeling is true and real. The simpler thing that you give, the more affection I feel. Because the simpler you give, the more you care.

We can not touch the love, but we can fall into it, even we sink into it. How does love look like? Is it as what people draw? It is truly red or pink?

There are so many things that I can not figure out about love. There are so many perspectives about love. There are so many kinds of love. There are so many ways to show your love to someone. For me, love is still invisible to see.

I'm not sure how to explain about this invisibility, but I always think that you understand my meaning. Nobody will understand the love between us, but we do know it very well. People may see that the relationship between us is a bit strange or abnormal. You always say, that maybe people act normally as they think so that what we do is abnormal. The reversal is, what we do is normal and what they do is out of normal because the normality of nowadays is actually exaggerate. Please, correct me about you words!

Maybe (I'm listening to Not A Bad Thing by Justin Timberlake) it's not such a bad thing to fall in love with you. All of the weirdness, the abnormality, the difference, and the undefinable love between us, that people will hardly understand, are the colours of our love. So, love is not only about red and pink, right? Still, love is invisible. Even though so, we believe that love still stand between us. My question is, "Will the love still stand between us 'til the end of time?"

#3: The Invisible Distance

As we know together, since a month ago, we're separated by the distance. You said it'd be two weeks, then a month, at last it would be more than a month. It was hard at first, but we know we can pass this period of distance. As a human, we should be able to adapt with a new situation. Slowly but sure, we're gonna get it as a common thing. Day by day, the quality time we have to share is getting less. I think, from the little time we have, the more we feel the distance. The far distance feels like close. The distance of our bodies is far, but the distance of our souls is close. As close as the good night text, or as the love words you say before I fall asleep.

Distance. People could measure the distance between the position of me and you. But no one could measure the distance we have of our heart. Invisible.

The invisible distance we have makes people hard to identify how close we are. Sometimes we seem like the strangers meet each other, but in the other time we may seem like each other's half part of soul. Sometimes the distance between us is as close as the upper and bottom lips meet together. At the another sometimes, the distance between us is as far as the Sun to the Pluto. At least, that's all what I feel. How about you? Have you ever felt the invisible distance separates us that far or close? 

This is strange but is the reality. I've ever felt the very far distance with you when we're so close together. I didn't really know, maybe it was just because of my thought was going somewhere at that time. It might be also because of the heart of mine could not accept yours at that time. Yes, there was a time when I have to close my heart for you and it would still be like that for a long time. When it happened, I know that you're suffering to act as normal as possible. In the reality, you're hurt. But, at that time I did not have any idea of what to do. Thank you for understanding me :)

The distance. Now it separates us, the time is also joining it. As the time passed by, you know, everything's gonna feel normal with every new thing. The time flies away so fast! Every night runs somehow, leaving the time for us just a little while, like a glance! Your text is in, wuzz, it's already midnight and I gotta sleep! You stay up late waiting for the morning to come, waiting for me to wake up, send me a good morning text, and everything should happen in hurry. Everyday feels like that. Everyday for this month. Everyday along the distance between us. But the love keeps the distance between us being meaningless.

It is magic! Distance. We both know we are separated by the distance, but there's an invisible distance that makes us stick together, that makes us feel we're side by side. I tell you I miss you this way. No matter how far the distance, no matter how long the time left, I'm waiting for your coming home. Soon. You know, you feel it, the distance tortures you. It makes you sick of missing me, right? :p Okay, all we need is just a little patience, my Zombie :)

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Every invisible thing above came from a refrain that I had ever sung on the way got home. 

~ The invisible you,

the invisible love,

the distance is invisible between me and you...

I fall in love by the blind eyes to see the invisible you.

I feel the love by the blind heart to identify the invisible love.~

Invisible. Describe me more things by that word, please... All seems invisible for me. Help me to see those things clearly. We would make every step ahead together, I want to see what you see too. 

Percakapan Pagi Ini

Sebangun sahur pukul 03.24 WITA, saya mengulet sebentar sebelum mengumpulkan seluruh kesadaran untuk bangkit dari kasur. Hal pertama yang saya lakukan adalah mengecek keadaan seseorang di seberang dua pulau sana dengan menghubungi nomor handphonenya. "Nomor yang Anda tuju sedang sibuk. Silakan mencoba beberapa saat lagi." ternyata si mbak operator memberitahukan bahwa dia masih terjaga. Setelah itu, saya membeli paket SMS (iya, masih memakai teknologi SMS, karena hape terlalu canggih untuk memasang aplikasi-aplikasi perpesanan xD).

Usut punya usut, ternyata dia sedang tidak dalam keadaan good mood. Katanya sih karena hal sepele, tapi hal sepele yang dimaksud adalah hal yang besar jika saya yang terlibat. Maksudnya,  kalau saya yang sedang berkaitan langsung dengan "hal sepele" itu, maka statusnya bukan sepele lagi. Nah, tapi kenapa jika dia yang berkaitan, meski tidak langsung, maka statusnya sepele? Apakah dia sedang mengelabui dirinya sendiri? Entahlah, dia selalu begitu: bertingkah seolah semuanya baik-baik saja dengan harapan dirinya pun akan tertipu dengan kepura-puraannya, tapi sayang, dia tak pernah tertipu oleh dirinya sendiri.

Selesai santap sahur, komunikasi terputus sejenak oleh hal yang tak bisa diganggu. Maka, kesensiannya pun naik satu tingkat, dua tingkat, sampai berkuadrat-kuadrat. Entah sedang PMS atau apa. Susah sekali membujuknya (atau saya memang tipe orang yang tidak mau bersusah-payah membujuk?).

Maka, bermuaralahh kita pada obrolan melalui akun Facebook. Terlihat sekali saya bukan orang yang mau bersusah payah membujuk, tapi setidaknya saya mencoba :v Obrolan kita bersifat fluktuatif, naik-turun emosi yang dimainkan, rasa-rasanya dia sudah mulai tidak merajuk lagi, tapi yang sebenarnya belum tentu seperti yang saya duga, bukan? Dia memang tidak pernah tertipu oleh dirinya sendiri, tapi saya sering kali tertipu olehnya -_- Obrolan pun berakhir dengan sebuah pertanyaan yang dia ajukan, "Apa yang saya lakuin selama ini, menurutmu masih kurangkah?"

Hmm... hal ini susah untuk diungkapkan jawabannya. Kalau ditilik, semua yang sudah dia lakukan itu cukup! Bahkan, kalo dipikir dari sudut pandang sebagai orang lain apa yang sudah dia lakukan itu lebih dari cukup. Tapi, kenapa hati ini masih sering diliputi keraguan ketika hendak mendeklarasikan keyakinannya akan perasaan terhadap dia?

Terlepas dari itu semua, jarak yang jauh terbentang di antara kita sekarang membuat saya sering kali merasa ada yang hilang :) ada saja hal yang terasa kurang lengkap karena tidak bersamanya, ada saja yang membuat hati ini terasa sedikit perih, terutama ketika melihat yang lain bisa bersama "dia" mereka. Untuk menenangkan diri, saya mencoba untuk menarik diri saya yang dulu untuk menguatkan rapuhnya saya yang sekarang. Diri saya yang dulu, yang ke mana-mana bisa sendiri dan bukan masalah, yang ngapa-ngapain mengandalkan diri sendiri, semua saya tarik kembali untuk menutupi saya yang merasa tak lengkap ini. Apakah itu sudah cukup untuk bisa menjawab pertanyaannya?

Saya ingin kamu segera pulang supaya kita lekas bersua :)

Selamat pagi!